Thursday, September 30, 2010
I am truly grateful from the pureness of my heart to be present and allow spirit to be first and foremost in my life...before worry or anxiety creeps in...before busyness shows up...before fear slips into my consciousness. Yes! before it all tries to invade the creation of my day or to drain any possibility of peace an...d joy from my precious moments here on earth. So, I say to you.
" God, Good Morning."
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Every day in one way or another I am exposed to all that is going on in this world. As a spiritual teacher and a leader I cannot ignore it. I have to stay informed. I would like to limit my exposure to the media but I can't.
My heart aches for those in dire straits who are losing their homes and for the job seekers. College graduates cannot find jobs either. It is not just the average American that can't find a job right now. There is crazy stuff all over the globe and all I know that I can do is keep moving forward.
There is some nutty pastor in Florida who is talking about burning 100 copies of the Koran tomorrow and it will set off a hailstorm of hate and we certainly don't need more of that. There is way too much of it. Any pastor or religious leader who promotes hate is twisted and totally clueless about what this world needs. There has been so much killing done in the name of some religion and because they think that their God wants it this way. What? Why?
It is time to lay down the swords and take up the staff of peace and educate ourselves. Knowledge is truly power and as someone said to me this morning a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. I totally got what she meant.
All this firestorm of hate is like someone who buys something that has to be assembled. They only read a few of the directions and the whole thing is messed up or falls apart after they do their assembly in haste. Then they wonder what went wrong!
Our God is a God of love...Get it? If you haven't then it is time to go back to spiritual school.
There is a magical time in my day in the late afternoon when the sun hits the crystals in the window and puts rainbows all over the ceiling and walls. It makes me feel peaceful and nostalgic for some reason. I don’t question why. I am just delighted to see them day after day. The rainbows spark a knowing that God is with me in a different way than other times of the day.
Today I felt a memory of my father invoked in me by the rainbows and I just went with the flow. I wanted to see where it would take me. That is when I came to an insight however painful that I have never fully forgiven my mother for so many things. I thought I had but when conversation about her comes up it is always very bitter and hurt. There is also a lot of anger. Here I am in my sixty-first year still in a spiritual quandary about my mom. Go figure, but it is there never-the-less.
So I once again ask the question how do I know if and when I have really let her go? How do I know if I have forgiven her and more importantly myself in the process? In the last part of her life I reacted to her with hate and bitterness and had essentially turned off my heart toward her. I am not proud of that fact. The only thing I have to say in my defense is I did not know what I know now. My spiritual path was a lot newer then. I have grown so much as the years have passed. I cannot take back the things I said to her out of anger and hurt feelings. I am not sure I even want to. I think a lot of what was said was to shock her out of her destructive behavior but it never happened.
She truly did hurt me more than any other person in my life has but I think that is the case with a lot of us. Our parents can hurt us the most.
Now I can feel God’s presence pumping through my heart and veins encouraging me to write about it and so I shall. I don’t know if this will help anyone else but that is why I write it. Maybe in the process I can help myself.
The memory that has come back to me this day is of my father terrorizing us when he had been drinking. He did this so many times that my childhood was like a war zone. I never knew when the enemy would show up and drop a bomb or two. He had an explosive temper and the beatings we all endured made us feel less than human.
Although she would try and comfort us after he was on a tirade, she never stopped him from doing it. I know now that I hated her for that. I guess I never wanted to admit that I hated either of my parents at any time but I did. It was not a constant hate but it was there and I felt so guilty and dirty and that God would never accept me because of it. In religious circles that it is a big No No to hate your parents or to even speak against them. At least that is what I was taught in my childhood years. Honor thy mother and thy father. Does that mean unconditionally? If it does there is something wrong with that commandment.
My father used to say that we should respect him because he was our dad no matter what he did or said, because he said so. I would cringe when I heard those words. He would deny us so much just because he said so and if we were even a tiny bit brave or stupid enough to voice an opinion on the matter it would be followed by a beating, being grounded or whatever he could think of for punishment. His reason was insubordination.
We were kids and trying so hard to grow up enough to get out of the house any way we could. Our role models for life were sadly lacking.
After we all left home it didn’t get much better. Every single one of us made terrible decisions. We were flying by the seat of our pants. We were never allowed to make a decision or voice our concerns or objections. We were punished for speaking so as we became adults we had a fear bred into our thinking hats. The real world was something we were ill prepared for. Understandably so we all suffered lots of trauma and drama. Granted we brought it on ourselves but we were living our lives through the filter of our upbringing.
I thought that life was supposed to be that way. I knew no other way. I could see that other people had good lives and made good decisions but why couldn’t I?
Dad used to threaten to leave every now and then if he was fully in the drink. That brought a complete terror meltdown to my mother because she had 5 kids, didn’t finish high school and had never worked because he would not let her. I had almost forgotten about that but for some reason I remembered that as I was watching the rainbows dance around the room. I am glad I didn’t block it because now I know why she didn’t stop him.
She was as frightened as we were…probably more so than us. The feeling of abandonment was a slice through the heart when he would say that. This is the memory that surfaced as I watched the colored prisms of light dance all over the room. I had somehow forgotten that he would threaten to leave.
Now, I can forgive my mother for not protecting us and for walking on egg shells around this man she called her husband. What would she do if he left? What could she do? I know there are a lot of single mothers out there who do just fine but my mother was a weak woman and did not have that kind of inner strength. The dancing lights led to another memory that I had blocked out. It was the memory of her telling me that if dad ever left she might have to take us to an orphanage because she didn’t think she could raise us alone. She would ask me to be on my best behavior and keep the rest of my siblings quiet. We would all be walking on egg shells around him.
These memories revealed to me in the rainbows light were a surprise. I had no idea I had blocked it out. It made me understand so much more than before.
In gratitude I thanked God for allowing this for me. Life is a never-ending journey and I guess God felt it was time for another piece of the puzzle to be revealed. I can let go of all the hurt and fear of being abandonment now. I know where it comes from.
I stand as a witness to my thoughts and my life and know that memories can never really hurt us and in fact, can help us and today I feel more whole than I ever have. In retrospect I forgive myself for being so angry at mom and at times said some awful things to her at the end of her life.
Why now in my sixty-first year did I remember such a vital piece of my childhood? I think God felt it was time. Each thing I learn about myself makes me stronger and more compassionate toward others. It makes me a better speaker and teacher. Out of the dark into the light came memories during rainbow hour came some pieces of me that had been buried. For the first nine years of my childhood I had very little memory and now they come to me each one a gift of myself to myself. This is just something to think about.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
My house is not attracting a lot of lookers at present and in retrospect I can see that I kinda knew it would be a roll of the universal dice if it sells or not. I am okay with whatever happens. Putting the house up for sale has not been a foolish venture. There have been a lot of benefits to it and it continues to be so.
I have a roommate as I rented space here to a woman back in January. We are understandably being nudged into making our load lighter. Boxes are accumulating in the basement and the garage to have a few yard sales.
I am downsizing everywhere. Clothes, books, kitchen stuff, furniture. collectibles, linens etc. is all being boxed away for sale.Because we never know when I may get a call to show the house it is forcing us to change our routine and surroundings.
I don't wait to make my bed any more. I keep a sharp eye out for clutter and dishes in the sink.
I feed the animals earlier. I keep dead leaves and flowers trimmed off the plants. We are more aware of smells now and the litter box is kept cleaner. I take my shower earlier and don't allow myself the luxury of writing all day in my pajamas any longer. I don't know when I may have to leave for a while so strangers can see my home. Realtors prefer that you not be there if the house is being shown. People feel more intrusive when you are there and are not as comfortable.
I saw a poster the other day that said,
"This is God. I will be handling all your problems today."
I love that. Today and for all the days after may I remember that God is here with me. I cannot be apart from God even if I tried. I follow the inner voice and stay connected to the energy that is flowing everywhere just waiting for me to plug in. No 110 outlet for me I want a 220.
There are a lot of misconceptions about what a spiritual person is and does. Some people may think we walk around chanting and passing out flowers. This is simply not the case.
A spiritual person walks the walk and talks the talk. We aim to put into practice all the tools of spirituality to enhance and empower our lives. It is a state of awareness and responsibility for our lives, words, actions and deeds. I am always aware of the ripple effect and know that whatever I do say and think goes out into the quantum field. I study the Universal Laws and us the knowledge to bring about wondorous things in my life.
Lately, I have had to work real hard on not allowing someone else's opinions or comments to push my ego buttons and it is working. I am also letting go of all worry about the future and endeavoring to stay in the now.
This bubble of peace awareness is a beautiful place to be.
The events of my life are showing that this peaceful place I am in is attracting all good to me because that is what I am putting out. What you put out is attracted right back to you in kind. It is a perfectly designed law that has no agenda or judgments and does not single out any one person.
I am open to anything and all right now and I am living in a state of anticipation as to what God is going to send me next. What a way to start the day.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Life can be a trip at times and sometimes I don't want to buy a ticket to ride I just want to be still and quiet. I watched a film by Deepak Chopra a few days ago and he said, "God whispers in the silence between the words."
The film...The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success is one I have seen before and every time I watch it I get something else out of it. I highly recommend it. In fact purchase it if you can because it is something you will want to watch over and over.
It is imperative that we learn to be still and quiet the mind because it is in the silence where God resides and is constant.
For quite a few months now I have been around someone who is very controlling and downright rude in giving her opinions. It has irritated me to no end. When people are around she rudely interrupts everyone with something about her or interjects her opinion before they have finished speaking. It is hard to have a conversation with her because she is always interrupting. It has made me angry and uncommunicative and I have tried many things to change this. As a spiritual teacher I have looked inward and wasn't coming up with many answers. I tried speaking my truth to her in kind ways and it didn't work. I have spewed anger at her and it didn't work. Nothing was working at all.
She questioned everything I did from how long I boiled eggs or parked my car to what I should do and how I should handle my life and choices in general.
Around and around we would go endlessly and there seemed to be no end in sight. I found myself actually avoiding her so I would not have to deal with her know-it-all unsolicited opinions.
Finally this past week I realized that she was bringing up in me some old stuff from the past and it was through this filter of reality that I was responding to her bossy controlling ways. It was like having my deceased mother around me every day. With my mother nothing I did was right and no matter what it was she always said that her way was better.
Then in a flash of insight I knew my ego was reacting and taking me down the garden path and I did not need to do anything at all in response to whatever this woman was saying to me. She only made me feel angry and irritated because I was allowing it to happen.
I do not have to react at all. What a revelation!
I took care of my mother in her final years and it was the hardest thing I have ever done mostly because of this bossy, know-it-all controlling nature. If her attitude had been softer and more respectful it would have helped me to deal with her but unfortunately that never happened. She put down and denigrated me at every turn.
Now these old issues have popped up in another person and I can see that I never fully dealt with it. Here it is again.
Mastery and spirit is telling me to ignore and not respond at all to any of this. It is all about her and not about me. In truth I can see this is the way she is with everyone not just me so I am not being singled out.
I wish there was a way to get her to see this as I know some people deliberately avoid her because of this but this is her path and not mine. Maybe she does not want to see it. I am not sure. For me I am taking a new spiritual direction. This woman is a friend but it is hard to be her friend at times. I can not change her but I can change myself and that is what I am doing. I wish to be at peace and not have these daily irritations to deal with. It is my life, my choices and no one elses.
She may read this but I say to her that this is nothing new and she knows who she is. For what it is worth I am putting it out there one more time that this stop so I can take our friendship to a different level...one of peace, respect and joy. For today I am telling the universe and God I want peace on my life and I will participate in the cause.
Many times in my spiritual development classes, I teach that you cannot change another person only yourself. I am also reminded of the saying that if what you are looking at is not changing then change the way you look at it.